Foreword: This part of the blog is an experiment. I try to write about self-care during our travels and lifechanging experiences and I will post every second Thursday, starting today. The last part might be more of a challenge, than writing the blog itself. Please let me know if you like to read about self-care on travels. Thank you! 😊
Spring 2019 I had everything I ever wanted. I had a job, that I loved, my own place (actually two, one shared flat at my workplace and an apartment with my boyfriend), a boyfriend who asked me to marry him the previous Christmas. I said yes to his proposal. Three months later I was at work and I was chatting with a co-worker, telling her about my restlessness and that I felt lost in life. In February I already had a two-week-break, because I felt burned-out. I was unbalanced, couldn’t sleep and was overtired. In my freetime I was just watching dumb shows and couldn’t motivate myself to even to some laundry or dishes. Those two weeks helped a little bit, still, I was wondering what was wrong with me. The suggestions of my co-worker were following: 1) write a book. 2) Open up an Instagram-account. 3) Read more. 4) Publish something.
1)Since I am 18 I have written five books and in total around 100 short stories. 2) I already had Instagram. (Later the account would get blocked and I had to create a new one.) 3) I have read and seen so much, that it was hard for me to find books, movies and shows that I couldn’t predict in their plot and that would stay thrilling. 4) I already had published parts of my creative writing.
A few days later I found a sheet. Back in my university years, my best friend and I had written down things I could do to spice up my life. One goal was to make a two-week vacation all by myself in the Eifel with trips to Aaachen and Xanten. Why Aachen and Xanten?
2015 I joined the International archaeological summer school Xanten. For four weeks I lived and worked in the APX, the archaeological park of Xanten. It was my second excavation in an incredible environment. It was one of m highlights, not just for the year 2015, but for my whole life. Included in the summer school was a trip to Aachen, which was founded by the romans as well. Until this day I cannot forget those four weeks and the impact they had on my life.
So, in march 2019 I looked for opportunities and possibilities to follow my dream. Two weeks were too long, I only had a few vacation days left, but Easter was coming up. I had two problems. 1) The accommodations were expensive. 2) My family and my fiancée were expecting me.
While I was planning the whole wedding, making appointments for everything, I realised what my problem was. My fiancée. He and the way he treated me, the wedding, our relationship in front of others. Today, I am way more aware of all the toxic behaviours that I was tolerating.
- Rob helped me finding a cheap accommodation, but he refused to come with me, even though I suggested it more than once.
- I lied to my family, that I had to work, because everything else wouldn’t be tolerated by them.
On Maundy Thursday I hopped in my car and drove from Tübingen to Aachen, five long hours. The youth hostel was a little bit outside the old town, surrounded by a park and a suburban neighbourhood. At the day of my arrival I went to buy a towel, because I had forgotten mine. I took some time to wander through the city, visited the cathedral treasure and the cathedral. I had seen both before, but somehow it increased in its beauty and interesting details. After all, the cathedral is built on roman ruins. The icing on the cake were a group of Dutch people who called me a young lady. Who wouldn’t be flattered?
At the courtyard of Aachen, I sat down to eat something. I already fell in love with that place back in 2015, because there were arcs of the ancient romans. The rest of the buildings were forming a courtyard around these arcs. Not even the very modern building next to them interrupted the scenery. Despite being a very busy place, I always felt a soothing quiet that I needed. Nevertheless, it felt strange to be all by myself, to travel alone. I had never done it before.
I had booked breakfast at the youth hostel and to avoid the masses I always was one of the first people. The day before I got myself some maps of the region, because I wanted to go hiking. Guess what shoes I bought! The wrong ones. However, I did have my fun hiking through the forest of Aachen to the tri-border region between Germany, Netherlands and Belgium. Despite the way, that was sometimes very interesting and not touristy at all the tri-border region itself is touristy. There is a labyrinth that wasn’t open as I arrived, which might give you an impression of how early I was around. At the both walks I took my time. Usually, I am a very fast walker, this time I didn’t want to that. With awareness I looked around, spent time to observe nature. In the past I had lost my sense for the details and I wanted to get that back, because it is worth to mind the details, not just in nature, but also in your own life.
At the afternoon, after a good rest from the hike, I went into the city to eat something and to write. I did write a lot the months prior, but less with the joy I had felt about it.
Saturday started early as usual. It was this early, that it was just me and another woman in the bus and the city was nearly empty. At the courtyard I sat down to draw the arcs, it was a dream of mine since a very long time. At that moment I wasn’t satisfied with the result, now I am happy, that I did it. Afterwards I spent some time in the Couven museum. It was about the trade between Aachen and the Netherlands and a little bit of pharmacies. One room was blocked due to a wedding. I could catch a view on the bride.
I took a little break at the steps of a well in front of the museum. A little boy was walking around the well, always behind me. I didn’t mind him, ate my sandwich and read in my magazine. At one point he tried to grab in my backpack. The mother apologized, but I told her it’s ok.
The afternoon I spent in the Centre Charlemagne. At first, I didn’t know what to expect and were surprised it not only was about Karl the Great, but as well about the buildings from late roman times he used as palace and church. I loved the animation where they showed how the buildings transformed from profane roman architecture into the palace and church, basically forming a center for the power of Karl the Great. They also showed the colonization of the region and how Aachen became the city it is today.
At my break afterwards, I was contemplating about … everything. My life, the experience to travel alone, my relationship. It still felt strange to be all by myself. Parallel I was reading a magazin about what makes people happy. And to this day I remember an article about people who had to make the decision to stay where they are in life or to go away and move on. I had the same question. The people that stayed were less happy or miserable years later. The others found happiness again, maybe just another kind of it. My gut told me to end my relationship and I knew I had to listen to him, otherwise it would end bad. The only questions left were “how?” and “when?”.
Next day, next destination – Xanten. It took me one hour by car to arrive at Xanten. As I saw the temple and a glimps of the roman hostel, the tower that formed the port gate I got tears in my eyes. This nostalgic feeling, I carried on as long as I was wandering through the park. I remembered the days I was working and living there, was one of the few people who could go where ever they wanted, because I was considered as “the staff”. For a while I sat down at the excavation area and looked and tired to figure out how far the people after me came. I went through the houses of the craftsmen nearby and enjoyed the interior.
After visiting the museum, I called my fiancée. He pressured me, because he wanted answers to his questions. Stupid question that were about HOW our relationship continued, not thinking about IF it would continue. He wanted decisions without having a real conversation with me. I have tried multiple times to initiate the conversation, but was getting nowhere. At this day I ended our engagement, our relationship. In 2015, the first time I was here, I was already thinking about breaking up and didn’t do it. Now it was time, high time! Almost immediately I felt relieved. Even though I had tears in my eyes, because of him howling in his phone.
The evening after my return I ate a whole package of pralines. On the one hand, I had no dinner, on the other hand, I needed it. After I had broken off I called my mother, my best friend … and Rob. Within just a few hours everyone knew about it, but just a few people knew why. My ex isn’t one of them. As long as I can remember he always thought he was right, in his words, in his actions, while never missing to point out my mistakes and flaws. From a pimple to how I studied (he barely attended and god bad grades) and how I dressed.
The trip to Aachen and Xanten was one of my big dreams. Even though I was struggling with alienating feeling of travelling alone. Today I am proud of myself. It was an experience that had a huge positive impact on me. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and not have to cope with my wishes being ignored or ridiculed. I left Aachen being free again, from a lot of things.
I hoped you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed my trip back then. Thank you and have a nice weekend!
-Toni
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF 