At the beginning, it sounded reasonable to have some self-care every two weeks. But the longer I am doing his self-care part, the longer I am searching for themes. I do have my list, don’t get me wrong. Still, this list is something else than my motivation doing things of the list. Therefore, I am ignoring my checklist and will do something inspired by “recent events”. This sounds fancier than it actually is.
I am sure, you know this time, where you are about to move out. If you are lucky and have a happy home, your parents will assure you, that you ae always welcome and this will be your home. Give it a few years, you are done with your college or university or have settled in a job and your parents might push you to declutter your old room. Some years later, your old childhood room is not anymore.
It might now be empty or a guestroom, a hobby room, an office, whatever your parents want it to be. Yeah, my room is an office now. Only two things are left in their original positions. Some smaller items are still there, but were repurposed. The two tings I was talking about, are my shelf and a painting. The shelf contains the rest of my book collection that I have left after moving out. My collection once was over 500 books, now it is way smaller. I sold a lot of them and some I brought to an open book shelf where people leave and take books without paying anything. My favourite or new books are at my new home.
Another item in my old room is a big armchair. It was a gift after moving in my first own apartment. It is quite comfortable and fits in the whole setting, but I am not sure if it will stick with me. But my old bed, that I had for over twenty years, is gone. The rooms of my siblings have changed as well They are empty and only one of us still has a bed in the house. This feels so strange. Given the fact a new partner has occurred on both sides it becomes even weirder. Suddenly a random person is walking through YOUR home. And you might realize it is not longer YOUR home, but that of your parents or just one of your parents and the new partner. One new partner I have never really met and about the other one I am sceptical. However, it is not my life, so I will remain quiet.
In many movies, books etc you will see moms cry about their children leaving, like Mrs Bennet in “Pride and Prejudice”. Or you might see overprotective fathers helping their kids move to college. And often careless and laughing children. But how do those children feel? Do they feel this “empty nest syndrome” too?
Now I know, they might feel equally lost leaving their home, but may be forced to go, because it is expected. I definitely felt lost as I moved out for university. And I felt that again as I saw how resolute my childhood was thrown out and replaced. At the same time, as I was selling all those books, I was asked why I wanted to eradicate my childhood. How confusing can it be to become an adult? Also, it is my decision. Just because I am selling those books, doesn’t mean I won’t remember the story.
Of course, I will remember how my room used to be or how the rooms of my siblings were, but it hurts. Where are the roots now? We are spending so much time in those rooms, sometimes eager to leave as soon as possible, sometimes praying to never leave, because it’s the only save haven ever known.
-Toni
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF 