Since Thailand, especially Chiang Mai, I have lost my words. I am staring at the blank pages at my laptop, my notebook, my travel journal and wonder if the words or the inspiration are ever coming back. I have trouble to sleep, my stomach is tormenting me and I tend to waste my time browsing through Instagram. At the same time, I am jealous of all those people making art, starting their own small businesses, designing their own stuff.
Since Thailand I am fighting again. Usually, you would think, that travelling around the world could cure something like Depression, but instead it kicked us both hard again. And I feel exhausted by the constant battle in my head and in my mind. On one of my browsing sessions I stumbled upon a post about depression and the healing of it. The guy said, that the hardest part of healing is the point where you start to miss being sad. Missing this sadness and giving in will make you go back, because the sadness has become more comfortable and it’s all you have known for quite a long time. And as I lay there in the darkness, awake and tired, I do miss the sadness, because it is easier. And I am fighting it.
During this travel a lot of the damages throughout the years are revealing themselves. I become aware of all that has happened and realise, that some parts are worse than I ever thought. And some things have a smaller impact than expected. Sometimes, I just look at a pair of earrings and my head is filled with memories about earrings that I have never asked for and always hated. At the same time, I recognize the historical roots of the design and I can imagine vividly how a rich Greek woman may have looked with all her jewellery on.
I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to my demons to hold me anymore, just because there were times They were the only thing that held me. And I don’t need to be jealous. And I can buy those earrings and feel like an ancient Greek woman. Looking back at five years ago, I am in a much better place now. Not only am I living my dream with travelling the world, I am getting better in drawing as well. I haven’t held a pen in years to draw, but still my drawings aren’t as bad as I remember. As a kid, my teachers and fellow students, even friends laughed at me and ridiculed me for my weak drawing skills. It crushed everything. I am writing a blog, something I wanted to try, but it was only a faint idea in the back of my head without knowing what to write about. I am in love with an amazing man, who is there for me every second of the day if I need him. I don’t have to fight to be seen in this relationship. I don’t have to be loud or angry to be heard. The only thing I have to fight is my darkness and for my happiness.
In the last few weeks I haven’t made big plans. I took everything day by day and missed the big plans, the big adventures attached to it. But what else can you do, when both parts of a couple are struggling at different times? Not much more, except or being there and care for one another. The last weeks I learned, that I am way to impatient with ad myself. In my childhood I have learned, that being sick is a bad thing and people will be angry with me if I am ill. To unlearn that is a tough one.
Last night, I was awake again, tortured by my thoughts and my stomach with nausea and a tight throat. To calm myself I tried to find my words again. They were there, but hard to find. I started to plan some things again. Rob and I have great plans ahead. Like our home and what it will look like. Which dog we want to adopt. How to improve my drawing, my painting, my work with colours, my sewing, try to design some more clothes. I am crawling out of the darkness again, but I feel like the darkness I is following me. My head wants to go on, but my stomach knows better and reminds me, that my possibilities are still limited. Physically and mentally. They were limited back in the days to, I just ignored it and ran through my life with killing nausea and dizziness on the edge of collapsing.
Every time I’m in the darkness I have to figure out again how to overcome this. Ho to leave the sadness and the demons behind, the numbness and be human again. It’s not getting harder, though. To compare the base line five years ago with today, I am better. But the battle does not end here.
Fight for your own happiness, too!
Toni
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF 